Good Morning

Good Morning!

I been dealing with so much around me, from someone trying to hack my facebook 3 times in one week, someone trying to change my gmail password and someone trying to get money out of my bank account in another state.  Adding huge issues, I do not want to share

All this happen Last week.   I just have to wonder why dose anyone want to be me?   I do not have that much fun.. come on now..

I have had more up days happy on that, I am learning of for me when I get stressed out it will trigger a down day.. And if you know me I have more stress than most people.  So trying to work on how to handle the stress better.

I just got me a Rainbow Bible.  I just love it… You think ok and

I never buy me anything, It allways something for my kids.  I seen this and I debated on it, and said no, but deep down I wanted it so bad, it is wrong to want something so bad.  for me it is.. I feel that is a sin to just want anything..

I went back and got it, and I am so glad I did… It the best thing I could have done for ‘me’  You may wonder what is a rainbow bible, s check this out

http://www.christianbook.com/standard-kjv-rainbow-study-bible-softcover/9780784729274/pd/729274

For me it was so neat.

In the past 6 weeks I have talked to a few people who have share with me how they feel so alone with their depression, And how they can not share where they go to church with out the fear of Judgment.  I sit here this morning, and I have to wonder why so many judge when one has depression, but it is ok if they have glasses, have a  heart problem.

So many view it so different.  I have seen support and some people who have told me  needed to get my life back in line with the Lord. Pretty sure that was a judging statement.  Those statements bother me more than anything, why do they Judge.

So I have choose no to share with many people, I do not want my issues to make people judge me.  I have a few people I can call, email, facebook with that may not understand what I deal with, but they are there to totally pray for me, to allow me to talk when needed.

I think this has showed me a lot this past year, how fast people do judge.  I hope I am never that type of person.  It has showed me to be more careful who I share with..  In this I am learning to trust the Lord more.

-Lord I may not always understand the path you take me down, but I do know you are with me each step I take, and When I follow you I will never go wrong.  Thank you for opening the door for me to share my life with a few people.  My depression will be used as a stepping stone not a stumbling block.  I thank you for showing me that You love me no mater what.- Amen

 

 

Missing

I am not missing,I just do not have a laptop right now. My old desk computer is good for checking emails and that is about it.  So once my laptop is return to me I be back!

Day 3- What drives you

Many people are driven by guilt- I can see this in my life, I often ask why did I do- I should have–  So many things I done has  burden me down so much, and I question so much, what I am learning, that my past has made me who I am today.      I have done things that I am not willing to share, they are not hidden, because the Lord knows what all I done, and though it all I can look back now and see how the Lord hand was on my life.  

FEAR IS A PRISON- how powerful I think back to a few years ago, when everything I did was done in fear.  I lived in daily fear, I am not sure why-  I was stuck in a place I did not like and at the same time I did not know how to move out of that place.  With the help of a good pastor friend, he showed me how to move out of that place into a place of more freedom. FEAR IS NOT A FACTOR .  

Up until last year I felt I could never say no.  I think because I was worried if I said no, the person would no longer like me.  So I said yes to everything which lead me to be a super busy person, with no free time for me or my kids.  So not good.  You can get so busy you leave the Lord out of things, and it not worth that.

WHAT WOULD MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS SAY IS THE DRIVING FORCE IN MY LIFE, WHAT DO I WANT IT TO BE?  I am sure they would say it  my kids… I stay busy with them, even when Lindsey left for Gardner webb- it did not end, I tried to help out her when ever I could, I never knew collages band needed parents help.  We were there helping her band out just as I did with Joseph band in high school.  I would like it to be more driven by the Lord.  Doing what he wants

 

 

You are not an accident-DAY 2

He has a reason for everything he creates 

I just have to sit here and wonder why – why was I created.  It seems to me that many time i mess up everything I try to do.

There is a God who made you for a reason and your life has profound meaning.  We discover that meaning and purpose only when we make  God the reference point of our life

My life has a meaning… wow!  I want to see and find that meaning..

I want to find a way to make God the reference point in my life. 

I know that God uniquely created me.  What areas of my personality, background, physical appearance am I struggling to accept

EVERYTHING-  

It all starts with God- day one

It has been a while, since  I have read the Book “THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE”  By Rick Warren.

I grab the book off my book case, and for the next  few weeks I am going to share My thoughts on that

If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God, you were born by his purpose and for his purpose.   

I- me was placed on earth for a purpose.  God thought of me way before I was ever even born, is that not kind of neat to think about.  Before we were even thought about, he knew us.

Question to consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God and not myself..

For me right now- I have to remind my self that it all about the Lord and not “me”. I have to get the “me” out of things and put God into things

Who am I Part 2

part one http://123notes.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/who-am-i/

 

Who Am I

I am the person you talked to today, I am the one who hand you shook, I am the one you have a hug to,

I am the one that took a mixture of drugs with out thinking that could have ended up in the hospital or worse.  I am one who now see the Lord hand in that and I made it though an horrible 24 hours

I am the one,  someone told, to not take medication for depression to allow God to help you.

Those drugs can aid but will not help only God can.

 

WHAT-

 

Do you tell people who have a heart condition not to take there meds?

Do you tell one  is an diabetic not to take their shots?

If no then why do you tell someone who has depression not to take their meds.

 

who Am I- ?

 

 

starting to

I am starting to feel better- yippe me

It been a long few weeks, at the time it seem to feel like that would never happen.  I am super happy to say the Lord see it all, he was with me on this road that seem endless, I may not ever fully understand what/why I had to go though what I been though, he has seen me through this storm.

Things are clearing up for me and I am starting to feel like PENNY AGAIN.  Feeling normal, or what is normal for me.

Lord, Thank you for helping me these past few weeks that seem like a year, thank you for putting a few people in my path to pray with me and help me through this storm.  I am super blessed by you-amen

 

working on the mask

As i sit here tonight, I have been thinking over the past few days on a new post.  Sometimes I know what I want to share, but getting them down into the written word seems so hard at times.

 I am happy to share I am feeling lots better  I been working on little things trying to make positive changes in my life.

I am finding it so hard to lay down the mask I have wore for so long.  That is one of the little things I am working on.  :)  It is all so one of the hard things to work on, allowing people to see a different Penny.  I am so not sure about that.

How will they react to learn the things i struggle with.  Will they no longer want to be around me,

yes I worry big time on how people will react, My son tells me all the time, I worry to much on what people think about me.  I think in many ways that is super true.  

Another thing is when I do share, if they turn away, they are not the friends I thought they were.  And that may be hard to grasp for me.  For I do not let many into my little circle.

There are a lot of things I am not sure on- but one thing I do know-

I am going to be ok, the Lord will be seen though all of this. 

 

Who am I

Who am I?

I may be the person sitting next to you on your pew at church.

I am the one you see at church and you see me as someone you can depend on.

I am your family member, who is at every family event, with a smile on, Who  can handle anything you ask of me, with no questions asked.

I am someone who has vicious cycles of down time. depression and even thoughts of hurting/killing one self. 

I am one who is  tired of wearing this mask, which has started to weigh a ton.  At the same time, I am unsure if I can lay it down and let the “real” me come out.

I am the one you see go to the alter, and prays alone, Seeking the Lord “Help” me.  Help me deal with all this so you will be seen in some way.

I am the one who feels no one understands this. I herd it preached we are to  we are to bear one another burdens.  What if I feel like I am the burden? Why would I share me if I see my life as a burden.

I am the one who used to feel church was a safe place,   Now I wonder if It would be a place of Judgement, If people knew who I was to lay my mask down and come out of this walk in closet.

Think about it are you to busy- are you one of the ones as to busy to care?

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Is the question asked and before you have time to say a word, your gone, You said it as words in passing not stopping to hear how I am, why even ask?

Many times I am the one wondering if anyone at church cares, I sit back on the pew and look at people coming and going and wonder, Would they be willing to talk to me when I get in this cycle.  

I Am a Christian who struggles, I am not one who has it all in line as it seems,  I am the one who has all most closed their self off to everyone and everything.

Are you the one who said call me any time? Lets not forget words are super powerful,   And I/people take them to heart.  Call me anytime, is  that at 3am because I cannot sleep and my mind is racing full of thoughts, I just can not handle.

 

Who am I? I am sure If you look around your church, there may be one who feels the same way- are you willing to reach out to them if you knew who they were?  

 

     

BEEN A WHILE

It has been a while snice my last note.

 

Seems my life has been on a roller coaster- and I can not seem to get off.

Been to the dr,  They are changing my meds for depression, which is needed but I hate hate that Idea with everything in me.  As I go off one, My mood are not good, I can not seem to hold to a safe place.

 

I am not even sure where the safe place is anymore…

I use to think it was church but right now, Not even church is a safe place.  My feelings have been hurt big time at church.  So Now I am thinking what to ddo on that, let it go or say something.. and foer me both of them choices are super hard.

 

Maybe I just need to move on to where no one knows me…..

 

At this place right now, I am not sure what to do